mother your children are men... you can't be blamed. Though you tried to raise us right... though you tried... through you tried... we blew up and grew out. And now we're men - though you tried, thought you tried - living our own lives, trying our own patience, we tried, we tried we tried... and yet here we are.

here we are ignoring our every intuition, avoiding our every inclination - drinking till dawn, ignoring our every inhibition, allowing every avoidance never really submiting to any form of that which we might call life... oh mother, your children are men - more's the pity.
though you tried... though you tried...


(I wish I could hum you the song in my head as I write, I wish I could explain how this is the vision, and how it all matters so much...)

It's five am, about my usual resting period these days, the girl is over, again, its been that way for about a week now. I don't know how it started; somehow I am in a relationship....
every night we lay in bed till five or six in the morning, some nights I've actually watched the sun rise, the best part is coming into the room and cuddling right into bed. That's right, I said cuddling, the word itself startles me.
I don't work much right now
I haven't been writing
I haven't been reading
somethings seem to stop time...
autumn's on the way...
you can always count on autumn...

what a last week. I almost left a haiku here but it used the word fucking... noone likes fucking as the two syllable center of your epic piece. but I don't mind... too much alcohol? not enough really, in moderation of course... got a girl these days, 20 years old. She's so young its fun again, she's so young I'm a gonna have to explain how it never last and these moments are fleeting. she's so young, gonna have to explain not to expect so much from me... gonna have to explain everything. She's so young...
and her name is shannon. I haven't used that name in sex for so long. It almost lingered on the tounge the first time...
I've been writing, and playing, I feel like an artist again.
I think I'll place the lyrics at the end of the poem from now on:
Can't think 0f anything to do, yeah
my left brain knows that all love is fleeting
she's just looking for something new,
well I said it once before but it bears repeating now...

it really is that simple jack...

there are two kinds of girl on this planet: those who will sleep on you on the first date and those who won't. Avoid both.

Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out
Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth.
Till the smoke clears out and my high burn out
I’ma rip this shit till my bone collapse

I take a day off from the internet and return to insults? You are out line Marasmus and will pay!

What a great day yesterday. Apparently the gifts from god are gonna keep on cumming... no softball game, rained out, so we sat in the pavilion drinking beers, making toasts, meeting new friends. Went back to Weber's, smashed on some food, went swimming, drank a little more, and finally went to bed around 5 am, only to be woke up by greene's wake up call at 5:30. He had to call off work.
We out to lunch with my dad, greene, and step mother today. Bought a guitar amp. And then the good news:
I bought a motorcylce, that's right a freaking motorcycle! I had to cancel my trip to new york to save funds. Its a good deal in the long run.

I love my life.

On my blogger dashboard it says that there are 196 post here... hmm... I am not certain about that number.... anyway,

tommorrow I will be going up to my buddies cottage to help his father do some work there, and since we are going to be working again on friday I will be staying the night there. By my self. A couple of years ago, when i painted the cottage, I got to do the same thing. Man was it therapeutic... anyway,

tommorrow, at the cottage, I am going to begin reading The Holy Longing by Ronald Rolheister. My cousin gave me the book last week. Being a regular reader of this blog I guess he thought maybe I could use some spiritual guidance?
I love books as gifts, they're so heartfelt...

Believing in nothing more than the power of doubt, uncertainty being my only certainty, it has been a long time since I believe in anything man made. I've suffered through my 26 years bounceing from one place/belief to another never really finding anything that stuck, or could be carried, from one place to the next. I say I'm seeking for one truth, one light, one god, but I don't mean it. I don't believe in it. I don't believe in the one, I don't believe in anything greater than my self. I don't believe in uniform thought and I hardly believe in eternity. What I do believe in is change. I believe in many truthes, I believe in contradictory truthes, I believe in your truthes, I believe in mine... what I am searching for is my self - or better put, that reflection of god in my self: his handprint imprinted on my thought revealed in my action. Believe me, I've seen it, I've held it, but I've never been able to contain it. Never been able to believe in my self enough to believe in my god... its always one illusion or another...

I believe in God, I believe in his book, but I also believe in the devil and I believe in his truth as well. Nothing gold can stay my friends. And where Frost found some sort of contentment in this brevity, where the artist finds liberation, where all our worst fears are somehow made a passing moment, where we're supposed to see the beauty of the brevity I only find sorrow in the devils second greatest truth: inevitability.

I believe in God, and I know better, but I can't quite quiet my fears of reason, science, and inevitability... I believe in god, I know there is so much more, and yet here I sit typing away in my own little walled in prison, reading books and waiting for doomsday...
maybe this book holds the key, but it is far more likely that my cousins love alone is far more important than some priest words, and that our actions eventually define our beliefs - not the other way around.

I believe in God, I believe in me, but I don't often choose to show it, on either account...

holy shit, I almost forgot to mention this nugget: Meijers will no longer sell nyquil to persons under the age of 18. It seems that a minority (it must be a rather large minority) of students, somewhere, enjoy consuming nyquil by the bottle. And yet again the rest of us are left to suffer the ever growing collateral damage from our countries attempt to 'contain' itself...

and the sixteen year old with a cold? fuck him I guess.

I am leaving. Seriously, I am fucking leaving. you think I'm kidding. I'm even laughing as I type this, but I am leaving, fucking leaving.
"STOP THE BOAT" - was Marilyn right or what?

I've redited, by unediting my post from last sunday. At first I just wrote what was up, but then I thought maybe I should leave my sexual exploits off of this page (and it will remain my stance), however I think last saturday night was enough of a life changing moment that it could be contained here...

I guess I've got to be who I am... good and bad... one night stands come along rather rarely and this particular one really soothed my soul, so to speak; it was like a little gift from god, a beautiful little soul to spend an evening with, relax, and step outside of time, place, etc.

the bad blood slows and turns to stone...

Well, in case you are trying to get a hold of me via my cell phone this week you might want to know that someone, maybe me, happened to punch it this morning because it wouldn't charge... its now in bitty pieces, along with everyone's phone number.

I don't feel 'relieved' of technology, though I guess with my saved numbers pushing 100 again it could use a cleansing... thats good because I now don't know anyone's number anymore...

I think its hard to be an American, in some ways. I mean you have all this potential, so many things that you could be doing, and yet you must choose just a few things. You could enjoy your life, buy a boat, go to picnics, have a family. You could specialize in some sort of hobby or another. You can be really good at your job. You can fall into any of the million traps hiding behind a million other addictions. You could dedicate your life to helping others. Or you do a little bit of everything. Most of us dabble in every area. The problem, of course, is that the pleasures of the world are so damn enjoyable, and life becomes all self edification. But this is not the edification of old, this is not dedication, this is not hard work. Our edification is material and our goals/life work reflects these values.
When we (the U.S.) try to help other countries we give them food, aid, money. We don't send them books, we don't send them teachers, we don't try to improve their attitudes. We try to improve their standard of living. Using, of course, our standards. But we are not in touch with the rest of the world any more, we are enlightened, we are furnished, and in the end everything gets exploited and people, back here, begin to blame the rest of the world for not fitting into our definition...
George Orwell said that there are some ideas so wrong only an intelligent person could believe them. When I first read that I understood the meaning perfectly: the intellectual is so separated from everyday life that they cannot understand it. The next hundred readings lost the meaning and I thought it spoke to a million different things. Now I've come back to where I started and believe that quote to be very important for our future. How it applys here: we, americans, find our selves in a different situation than everyone else in the world. Those of us who are middle to upper class here, we are light years different than the rest of the world. I think we want you to enjoy what we have but we're so far removed from the everyday life of the world its almost as if we are speaking a different language. To put it simply, our train of thought is so different, so vastly different, that it makes communication/exchange difficult no matter how sincere the offer...

Pop, pop, pop go the fireworks, incessantly on through the night.
Pop, pop, pop goes the american dream. And I'm just tryin' to watch some TV.
Pop, pop, pop they go and on we dance into the evenings spending more on fireworks than we could imagine dropping at Waldenbooks.
I don't know, something about fireworks really irk me. I know, I know, I should be more understanding, more a 'patriot', but then again my definition of a patriot is Michael Moore. Yeah I said it: Michael fucking Moore. And you all hate him...
This psuedowar and all those fucks up there on podiums, coupled with flags people will put away tommorrow, it just drives me crazy.
What is patriotism to you?
Seems to me like another way to pull the puppett strings of society. Seems like it was something pure, when we were younger, that simply should eat itself, reform, and research for another way to change. Patriotism definitely involves change... and yet its always lumped in with some nostalgia for men I've never met who were nothing like our history books said (and not nearly as mean as we'd make them out to be either, fucking propaganda on both sides... anyway).
I don't understand why imaginary lines matter so much. I don't like the us vs. them mentality. This is the base roots of hatred here folks. Nationalism, is there anything worse? or misguided?

Look, I hope you understand - I love this country, I love its people, I love our opportunities, I support our troops, I believe in them as much as I question their unquestioned responses (but thats another story for another day), I am glad to live in a democracy. I am glad we won the fucking war, I'm glad we have a constitution, I'm all for it, but something tells me I have put a little more thought into all of this than most of the people out there, and something tells me that makes me better. Yeah I said it: better. What's more, as much I love this country I want to include everyone else, I want Mexicans to be able to enjoy our freedom, hell I want Iraquis to enjoy our freedom and there in lies the problem: I don't believe in bombs and bullets, while I'm hesitant to put my faith in diplomacy knowing how misguided and selfish the leaders of men are. So what am I left to support? I don't know.
I do know that I am leary of nationalism, that I fear our percieved patriots (Tom Brady aside), and yet I also know that I am left to conclude that we have a moral obligation to everyone else in the world and now I sound like a stupid republican wanting to bring the light and I just get more confused.
Don't think this is a letter of anger, even if it began that way, understand that this is a letter of confusion; the conflicting ideas are calling me, both with halfmerits and improbables, and I am entirely in a state of unrest on this issue.

sometimes I get mad at my self for remembering to edit this page; its hard to be honest about everything and you end up omitting so many things. Oh well, I guess thats why we have journals...

Its getting pretty decadent in the Donoghue household. It seems that when I am not pondering God's existence my brother and I are drinking and eating everything in sight. We don't seem to be so keen on cleaning. There is an empty pizza box now piled on in the kitchen, bottles, bottles, and more bottles, plates to the ceiling, wrappers on the floor, my bed, my fucking bed hasn't been made in a week, there are clothes everywhere, every guitar I have has broke its strings... and yet things carry on continuously. I returned home at 4:30 today, after the one of the more wonderful evenings ever (at work), to begin doing shots of tequila until 7am at which point we bought mcdonalds and watched Troy.Life is pure excess right now. I like it. All bases have been covered and soon enough I'll be hard to the task. Until then however... I found the solution to all of my life's problems. Her name is Susan, she lives in St. Louis, and I'll probably never see her again... Call it something. call it a watershed moment, call it a liberation, shit, call it the end of an era. I'll just call it as I see it: another understanding and a whole lot of tension relieved... and not just sexually, more important I feel changed philosophically. I feel like I understand what relationships are supposed to be about... and what they are not. I also feel like we shouldn't be spending our time chasing what we can't have when we can relax and reel in what else of the world is around...zen is found in green see through panties. That is today's truth. Just todays; if the decadence continues there'll be more wisdom tommorrow. If not we'll get back on the clean kick and get on with living our lives...It's a lot for one letter, but I'll carry on:I think that I want to take next year (begining with my birthday) and do the 'right thing'. I mean go to church, help out homeless shelters, don't drink so much, be a better person (in an outside and touching manner)... I'll explain more when I understand the vision better. Be it suffice to say for now that I have spent most of my life living for me and my interest, doing what makes me happy, maybe I should take a year and do something for everyone else. Wear the wordrobe of discipline, it couldn't hurt.

We live in a world of multiple realities. That shit is obvious. The is a collective unconscious, and of course a collective conscious. I take this as fact. You should too...
anyway, lately I have come to the conclusion that I believe two seperate, incongruent facts to dominate my life.
1.) There is a god, there is Jesus Christ and he may help us to live our lives.
2.) There is no god.
You just read the bible so many times and eventually you have to say this is bullshit. the world is not 7,000 years old, Noah didn't build an ark, and most importantly when we die we are dead. However, that being said, prayer heals, Jesus did die on the cross and rise again, and I can not only see god in all of nature but I can feel it whenever I open my senses.
What we have is sience/reason and what I'll call for lack of a better word sensation. (to explain a little I don't buy all the shit about feeling driven by chemical reactions; it works the other way around...)
What we have is what happens and how we feel about it. Do the two even have to be related? Are they really linked? Or do we have two seperate realities? I can't help but think that action and thought, while cousins, are not necessarily intertwined into the same reality... I think I am on to something. Now I am going to go say my prayers to an intangible being that connects my life to our life.