On my blogger dashboard it says that there are 196 post here... hmm... I am not certain about that number.... anyway,

tommorrow I will be going up to my buddies cottage to help his father do some work there, and since we are going to be working again on friday I will be staying the night there. By my self. A couple of years ago, when i painted the cottage, I got to do the same thing. Man was it therapeutic... anyway,

tommorrow, at the cottage, I am going to begin reading The Holy Longing by Ronald Rolheister. My cousin gave me the book last week. Being a regular reader of this blog I guess he thought maybe I could use some spiritual guidance?
I love books as gifts, they're so heartfelt...

Believing in nothing more than the power of doubt, uncertainty being my only certainty, it has been a long time since I believe in anything man made. I've suffered through my 26 years bounceing from one place/belief to another never really finding anything that stuck, or could be carried, from one place to the next. I say I'm seeking for one truth, one light, one god, but I don't mean it. I don't believe in it. I don't believe in the one, I don't believe in anything greater than my self. I don't believe in uniform thought and I hardly believe in eternity. What I do believe in is change. I believe in many truthes, I believe in contradictory truthes, I believe in your truthes, I believe in mine... what I am searching for is my self - or better put, that reflection of god in my self: his handprint imprinted on my thought revealed in my action. Believe me, I've seen it, I've held it, but I've never been able to contain it. Never been able to believe in my self enough to believe in my god... its always one illusion or another...

I believe in God, I believe in his book, but I also believe in the devil and I believe in his truth as well. Nothing gold can stay my friends. And where Frost found some sort of contentment in this brevity, where the artist finds liberation, where all our worst fears are somehow made a passing moment, where we're supposed to see the beauty of the brevity I only find sorrow in the devils second greatest truth: inevitability.

I believe in God, and I know better, but I can't quite quiet my fears of reason, science, and inevitability... I believe in god, I know there is so much more, and yet here I sit typing away in my own little walled in prison, reading books and waiting for doomsday...
maybe this book holds the key, but it is far more likely that my cousins love alone is far more important than some priest words, and that our actions eventually define our beliefs - not the other way around.

I believe in God, I believe in me, but I don't often choose to show it, on either account...