I have decided to drop out of school... more news at 11:00

You know what? Fuck Boston!

one day Roger is going to be walking out of the bar laughing and having a good time. I am going to hit him so fucking hard in the back of the head and then jump on him and beat the living shit out of him...
It was all well and good making up on saturday but five days later, while my face still hurts and he is telling jared while laughing about it, the anger is about to boil over.

In the win some/lose some category UofM has decided not to whore itself out to SBC and instead decided to further market itself in the form of gay little blue braclets that may just mirror the success of Lance Armstrong's 'live strong' bracelets'.
What a hustle, at least we still have no advertisements inside the stadium.
jdon

it just hit me - you know why I am such a child? because I've spent my whole life being told not to grow up, not to grow cold, not give up, and to fight the world to the teeth... and I've believed it. The last few years I've fought with the fodder of life and tryed not to buy in, or 'sell out' if you prefer, but what am I winning? (even as I type I am remembering that at least I am alive ulike all those dummy's out there with mortgages, payments, children, and jobs they hate - at least I'm not them)

I've created quite the conundrum. Grow up, get a job, and sell out everything I've ever believeed or drop out, get a crappy job, create art, and live a pure life void of money/success and void of all the comforts...

and don't give me that middle ground bullshit. middle ground artist suck.

"In the days, the golden days
when everybody knew what they wanted..."

This is the begining of the end kids: for better or worse I won't be taking much school anytime soon... I've gone and fucked up this semester real proper, recieved a passing grade on 4 of 6 assignments and now I have one more lesson to write and a midterm (followed by four make-ups the week after). What a hole I've dug.
It upsets me, my failure in this class, though I set my self up for this. I planned a trip to mexico in the middle of the semester, I never got ahead, I never began my assignments on a tuesday - always on a sunday the day before they were due... I failed me.
And now I am bickering and so upset with so many of the other things around me when the simple fact remains that every one of us has one most important thing which we focus on the most and a ton of elephants just to the side... me its school and a social life. I have too much of a social life and not enough of the dedication for school. It's that simple. what's worse than the simplicity of the problem is my inability to change a goddamn thing... maybe I shouldn't be a teacher considering that it is a job that involves its most work in the fall and my whole life my autumn has been a time of going out (new friends at school), watching football, and just enjoying life...
maybe I shouldn't be a teacher? that's the dumbest shit I ever wrote. I should be a teacher - its what I want to do.
But I am going to fail this semester - I already have. the only thing to do is pick up and move on. but to pick up and move on is to touch bottom again and to touch bottom is to admit everyone of my failings...
I'm just not ready.
26 and it hasn't been long enough.
why can't I just grow old?
why can't I just let go?
why am I such a child?
what is my problem?

to go a step further...
loyalty, it's all about loyalty.... and this shit of late is fucking disgusting... why should I go out with people who aren't going to back my plays? even when I am drunk? why should I go out with people who aren't inclined to let me go about my way and make my mistakes? why? when I can go out with my brother who would've never even let me get close to swearing at a cop. my brother who would take car of me like dan did friday night... dan was an angel, me swearing at him and him wiping the blood from my head trying to calm me down while I rode in a car full of judas's (joel aside)...
God, I'm fucking disgusted with the order of things around me of late. fucking disgusted and its only compounded by the fact that my mother has allowed my stepfather back in his life. There is nothing more saddening than the thought of my poor mother clinging on to that wretched fuck in her hour of need. nothing. I can't hardly bear to comprehend the seriousness of it all...
it takes it out of me. that big wind of progress, it just deflates when I look at my mother, and my brother, and some of the people around me compounding there lives problems with unacceptable lovers...
maybe it's me. maybe I'm wandering again (this stupid post started just to piss on nick and now I've gone and brought in my mother - but its killing me, killing me to see her talk to him)... I swear, I hate relationships, maybe its me, maybe its my failure to ever make anything that mattered, or were it my contentment in four years of childish love and a resiliency to never move past... maybe it is me. but I can't bear to watch my friends/family falter; I can't sit here quietly and just watch them sink... and now i'm sinking, thinking about it. I just called up my mom and reamed her (just now), who the fuck do I think I am?
forget every word I've ever said... forget my piercing words, forget my anger, forget my unacceptance of the order of the world... forget everything i've ever said. You'll be better off anyway.

and another thing. if you are hanging out with me and just disappear the second the cops appear I won't forget that shit either...
maybe I am an elephant, maybe I can't forget... maybe, maybe that's my rock and that's how I'll sink, maybe I wouldn't want it any other way... maybe. maybe. but at least I am honest and at least I've never shook the devil's hand... or maybe I have and I didn't even know it. maybe I am all caught up in my anger and I am giving in... or maybe you're wrong... maybe. maybe... it must be you, because it ain't me...
yeah, I roasted you, whatever...

I was about to get on here and just roast everyone around me but I've since calmed... my mother, bless her soul, is the dumbest person I have ever met. today she went out to dinner with my ex-step father who is trying to win her back. you know, the cocaine tottin', verbal abusin' asshole that she used to call a husband. what the fuck is wrong with her?
WHY IS EVERYONE'S MEMORY SO SHORT?
it fucking kills me. Whatever happened to carrying a grudge? whatever happened to spiting those who have treated you poorly? even jesus turned his cheek and walked away...
My memory is not so short. I hate that fucker and everything he stands for. This is the man that punched me when I was 13 and called the cops when it was time to fight at 19... ahhhh fuck! I just don't get it. I don't understand. I can forgive but I just can't forget.
"fuck your short memories"

though my mouth may wander and the words seek to destroy, though my body may falter as I vomit through my split face, through all of this I am still in love with my life...
right now it's 3 pm and for the last 12 hours i have been in constant pain due to a fall I took yesterday. my forehead is all scrapped up, my lips are fat as hell, there is a chunk of my nose missing, and I have a black eye... about four minutes before I fell i was telling a cop that he was indeed a fucking pig (not surprisingly I got a drunk and disorderly ticket)... and I was so wasted that I have now been puking all day...
and yet i still love my life... it's still worth living...

freedom is never free,
don't sell that shit to me.
I've been trying to follow that up with a poem or a song for the last three days, but really it speaks for it self... I don't buy that I need an army or anyone out there defending my freedom, especially when are only free to consume what we're told and travel where we're allowed... Tell me some Iraqui really wants a coca-cola and I'll tell you you're lieing. what's a worse dictatorship than Bush? who could be more hell-bent on ruling the world?
freedom is never free? don't sell that shit to me...

it's been a particularily disappointing day... and it's barely 12:30... I am going back to bed... fuck school...
jdon

and the obsurdity continues... I was named employee of the month at work today. Interesting considering they fired me last year. Although I was fired for swearing at a customer and not for my 'work performance' and my bosses did want to keep me... working at Weber's is so simple: you show up, you do what you've got to do, and you go home. If you've been there for two or three years and IF you are even moderately intelligent the job gets easier every week; through trial and error you should learn the easiest way to get things done...
Every week I show up and tell Justin that my goal is to do nothing that day and every week an hour or so later, as we are busting our ass to make sure everything gets done right, we laugh about how we HAVE to do everything just to make the job go smoother... it's a good job, I like it... but I could see my self getting fired again a month from now... wouldn't that be ironic?

well... a crazy couple weeks is finally winding down... I've slept a mere 24 hours combined the last five nights, that means the last one hundred and thirty hours or so, going on one forty, have been rather sleep deprived... I feel fucked up... not so much to write these days, there is so much to do. So much school, so much work... I have begun a list of sorts that includes both the things I'd like to do and the things that I am going to do (artistically speaking)...
I'm going to see billy corgan do some poetry wed. night, should be interesting as I do love the pumpkins... hopefully his poetry is better than jewel's bullshit... though I imagine it will be comparable...
jdon

I've been talking to Shannon again... it brings up so much of my past, so many cobwebs to clean, it's like breaking off the side of a mountain and stairing at the dirt piled level upon level until I see that grass that is today...

I'm a lot different now than when I was younger... sometimes I am saddened by this, other times proud... I used to be so angry, and yet I used to care so much. Now I'm a lot more placent and pleasurable while I don't feel as strongly as I used too... have I been contained? OR inspired?
I don't hate things like I used to. I've come to see them in there own light, each thing seperate and shining, then intertwined into everything else. Every whole a sum of its parts, every part a piece of the whole...
My vision has changed.
I can see so much better. I am so much more understanding, so much more caring towards others, especially the public (my former advesary)... I wait my turn in line, I smile as often as I can, I talk to everyone around (if only to make them smile for a second), I try to model jesus, I think what would jesus do if he were in this aisle? I try to treat everything with love, I try to hug more people, shake more hands, nod hello and good bye... I try to try; the simple things are the greatest accomplishments...
I've become a man.
I am more reserved, more confident in my speech. I am hesitant where I would of jumped, quiet where I would have screamed, patient when I would have punched... To my self I am fair as I ever was. And the same to others, ever the critic always searching for perfection (that double bladed sword)...

When I talk to shannon all these contrasts come out as I compare the 18 year old me to the 26...

"Rome stands yet, but not Hiroshima, or the Twin Towers. All you need is a box-cutter to knock down a skyscraper" - roman nose good point my friend... good fucking point... maybe we've accelerated past the point of no return, or maybe things just took a little longer back then... poor Neo wouldn't have the time to finish a set these days (of course he can save us all by taping in and defeating Mr. Anderson)... you and I we´ve been friends for a while, Dan too, and most of the people I talk too... I wonder how that affects me, to know that I have real friends who will always be there.... I'm different in mexico, I know it is only vacation, but I am really different down here: I am outgoing, friendly, and most different of all - I go out of my way to make everyone around me feel better... I smile more, I touch more (as in pat on the back, not like bathroom stall touching or anything, but I digress). I since I only know so many phrases, I am always asking "how are you? Hows it going" I'm always talking soul to soul... I like it... its kinda sad that I am not like that when we are hanging out... sometimes I am, with some people... but not enough...

"my love for you... is only a shadow of your love for me..." god bless you... 26 years old and still yearning to grow, I think we are doing well... and maybe we won´t change the world but we´ll look better doing nothing... twenty six and what I have I accomplished "they want you to believe that you will be blah blah blah, well you're not"... but thats not really why we are here is it? I've been on a sombras y luz kick the whole time here, I wrote this in my journal today: ... que crudo... no hay sombras sin sol... the natural state of life is darkness, that is just how it is. However, there is the one big star in the sky and all the litttle lights in the night to guide us through dust to dust... and we, we are the luces, our own pequeno private light for everyone around us... the more friends, the more light or were it the more love the more light or is the light love of our father shined down upon us? and when I extend my hand to you another light begins and when you smile back at me there are now two lights, enough to find our way in the dark. What if god just wants to watch? what if he is nothing but an avid reader who loves stories of amor and all the laws of love are nothing more than a script to please our one person audience... nothing more, nothing less.... Its interesting to reread and juxtapose with my previous excerpts.... there is just so much meaning to me in the saying that there are no shadows without the sun and that the natural state is darkness.. be it ever so juvenile it explains my take on life... most of this is darkness, thats why we get so down, but maybe if we shine our light someone else will notice and we'll have two flashlights... and then there is love... I hate to say it, but love matters to me, I want to be in love... I hate to say it because i've never been further from it; all my relationships are sexual or boring at best and now that I'm trying to reach out all I'm finding are ugly single people... 26 might just not be the right time to go searching... you know what else? I just want to be a writer. thats what I want to do with my life.. its why I choose teacher, its, well its everything... If you asked me what I want to do with my life, thats it. To be a famous writer reviered by all for just being that damn good... women wanting to fuck me just because of what I wrote in some stupid book... that's my dream, but I´m not much of one am I? what's your dream? I remember the words revolution...

it only took twentyfour hours and now I'm two beer in, third in hand, and finally I recognize the mexico yo recuerdo... was I really that drunk the whole time? was it all just a dream? did I really stay here two months and drink every single day... I think I did... and here I go again. The beauty here is that the beers are solomente fifty cents and the insights are free... all is well. I've picked up my journal from last time - reread it on the flight, seems I was in love with a girl last time, and that it faded after about twenty pages... I don't remember allowing the girl to dominate so many of the pages, although I guess when we write we don't really explain what we understand we attempt to explore what intrigues, and confuses, us... but enough about that insight... ahorra estoy aqui y todo esta bien, mis amigos estan lo mismos (con trabajos) y la ciudad es as angelic as it always was... I love the mountains, I love, love, love the land here, I don't know how I can stay in such a flat state... gotta get out of that place... he hablado todo el dia con el padre de la casa, we went to a mercado, bought food, and the whole time he's teaching me life with a little bit of spanish intertwined... Nick, you'll never believe what I wrote in my journal: I will send it to you because maybe you and greene are right about the girls, maybe I am wasting my time... and another thing, its time I stop being a dumbass and start making decisions that yeild the desired results: to go through life acting one way and wanting another is as idiotic as it gets... not that I am an idiot just that sometime I am a hard head or a dreamer, both destructive as it gets...

make no mistake about it life is a spiritual journey; it's not the money, it's not the bullshit, and we all know that... it's all about writing in the moment, creating art in every moment, loving, seeing touching tasting and embracing every little thing we can... and it's all about perspective...

when I am a teacher I want to be like Phil Jackson... the zen master... cause they all got the talent, I just want to lead them to inner sanctitude...

never as apathetic as I seem... next post will be in mexico...

I can't believe I am about to say this but... fuck alcohol. I mean it fuck alcohol. Too many people take a sip and are completely different. It's disgusting... I don't even like being around it some times... the thing is alcohol is just like any other drug and is only going to let out your bottled up emotions and intensify your feelings to the point where you are laughing, crying, living or dieing. lately to many people have been crying.
IF you are in a bad mood, don't fucking drink. It's that simple. It's fucking disgusting...
you know, I am about to embark on two weeks of shot after shot tequila drinking celebration, and its going to be great, but I don't know if I'll touch the shit when I get back. And its not even me, its the fucking idiots I hang out with... everyone gets so emotional, or wants to fight, or blah blah blah... if you are drinking and doing anythign other than enjoying your self get off the fucking wagon and leave me alone...

I just trying to enjoy my buzz, why you'll gotta fuck with it?