to go a step further...
loyalty, it's all about loyalty.... and this shit of late is fucking disgusting... why should I go out with people who aren't going to back my plays? even when I am drunk? why should I go out with people who aren't inclined to let me go about my way and make my mistakes? why? when I can go out with my brother who would've never even let me get close to swearing at a cop. my brother who would take car of me like dan did friday night... dan was an angel, me swearing at him and him wiping the blood from my head trying to calm me down while I rode in a car full of judas's (joel aside)...
God, I'm fucking disgusted with the order of things around me of late. fucking disgusted and its only compounded by the fact that my mother has allowed my stepfather back in his life. There is nothing more saddening than the thought of my poor mother clinging on to that wretched fuck in her hour of need. nothing. I can't hardly bear to comprehend the seriousness of it all...
it takes it out of me. that big wind of progress, it just deflates when I look at my mother, and my brother, and some of the people around me compounding there lives problems with unacceptable lovers...
maybe it's me. maybe I'm wandering again (this stupid post started just to piss on nick and now I've gone and brought in my mother - but its killing me, killing me to see her talk to him)... I swear, I hate relationships, maybe its me, maybe its my failure to ever make anything that mattered, or were it my contentment in four years of childish love and a resiliency to never move past... maybe it is me. but I can't bear to watch my friends/family falter; I can't sit here quietly and just watch them sink... and now i'm sinking, thinking about it. I just called up my mom and reamed her (just now), who the fuck do I think I am?
forget every word I've ever said... forget my piercing words, forget my anger, forget my unacceptance of the order of the world... forget everything i've ever said. You'll be better off anyway.
loyalty, it's all about loyalty.... and this shit of late is fucking disgusting... why should I go out with people who aren't going to back my plays? even when I am drunk? why should I go out with people who aren't inclined to let me go about my way and make my mistakes? why? when I can go out with my brother who would've never even let me get close to swearing at a cop. my brother who would take car of me like dan did friday night... dan was an angel, me swearing at him and him wiping the blood from my head trying to calm me down while I rode in a car full of judas's (joel aside)...
God, I'm fucking disgusted with the order of things around me of late. fucking disgusted and its only compounded by the fact that my mother has allowed my stepfather back in his life. There is nothing more saddening than the thought of my poor mother clinging on to that wretched fuck in her hour of need. nothing. I can't hardly bear to comprehend the seriousness of it all...
it takes it out of me. that big wind of progress, it just deflates when I look at my mother, and my brother, and some of the people around me compounding there lives problems with unacceptable lovers...
maybe it's me. maybe I'm wandering again (this stupid post started just to piss on nick and now I've gone and brought in my mother - but its killing me, killing me to see her talk to him)... I swear, I hate relationships, maybe its me, maybe its my failure to ever make anything that mattered, or were it my contentment in four years of childish love and a resiliency to never move past... maybe it is me. but I can't bear to watch my friends/family falter; I can't sit here quietly and just watch them sink... and now i'm sinking, thinking about it. I just called up my mom and reamed her (just now), who the fuck do I think I am?
forget every word I've ever said... forget my piercing words, forget my anger, forget my unacceptance of the order of the world... forget everything i've ever said. You'll be better off anyway.
2 Comments:
I was just described as an angel. And well oddly I appreciate that. It is my sincere hope that this comment doesn't change that opinion. You talk of loyalty, well what is loyalty? I'll back my friends play. You want to get into a fight with some guy, I won't even ask why at least not until were done fighting. However when you bring cops into the picture it becomes a whole new ball game. And maybe thats not right, but it is the truth. I know were messing around with the law will get you. You end up on a state sponsered vacation where all everyone does is bitch and fight. You mentioned someone calming you down not allowing you to yell those things, but the reality is no one was going to be able to stop that, but you. And again the truth is that is how you felt about those cops and most of the time I agree. You told me I sounded like my father when I was discussing the reality of the situation. This is true I am starting to finally see the wisdom in his words. I used to think that your just old you don't understand but as I have gotten older I have found I don't have to spit in the face of authority in order to be against it. And though sometimes it shames me to admit it, occationally authority is neccessary. You said in a previous post you thought that your friends/family were sinking. It is my sincere hope that this thought/feeling was only a late night wrambling and not something that you feel down deep. Because that is not what your family and friends are doing for you. Though we all go about it in different ways we all bring something positive to the table and it is for you to choose what that is for you. I see our friends/families changing, some moving up some moving out but all moving forward. When we were kids our goals and ambitions were all on a broad,relativley similar, track. As we have grown older those tracks have changed, priorities and goals have changed, so as life will have it, we have changed. This entry into the blog has gotten much longer that I would have liked yet there is much more to say but this will have to suffice.. To our friends and those yet to come we accept turmoil, we accept change, we forgive failings and exalt accomplishments but as you know we have trouble forgetting...
of course you're right... though that was the point. What I ask of my friends cannot be reciprocated by every one of them. Nick simply isn't prepared to follow down whatever path I roam, and he has a number of good reasons not to...
as for authority, the only way to change the world is to work with the world. You are right, your dad is right. But, boy do I hate cops. I may have to do something about my anger control issues in the face of authority (especially in those situations where a punch back only makes things worse)...
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