of course I should move out... however, that is not an option. So I'll take some time and figure out a way to make it through one more year downriver. One more year and I am out. not that long if you parse it up nicely enough: a summer to relax, a fall to study, a winter to student teach and I am out of this bitch...

I've always had the power to make people feel better about themselves, and sometimes to feel worse... lately it seems like I just keep saying mean thing: harsh truths that cut to the soul of the problem and do little more than point out another's faults. Maybe I'm sick and in a bad mood? maybe I'm just bitter? or maybe I am just an asshole and I need to get these things out?
Living around Jared, Roger, and Scott we were brutally honest to the point of comfort. Jared could cut me deep, but it didn't matter because I saw what he said as true. True and able to be changed...
Here, back home, I say snapping things to my mother, my brother, even Dan the other day and a moment later they don't fire back, they just look sad. I'm out of my element. And sadly my element is harsh.
I just wish I could act here like I do at school, that I could see every problem as an opportunity to fix, or that I could just find rest and not shit on everyone else's parade.

Really I am beeing too harsh on my self. The four events that come to mind are just that, four simple occasions where I criticized instead of being helpful. Four fucking events, and yet I know a trend begins with a simple back-to-back...
maybe I am being too preemptive, maybe I am rambling... I just don't feel to happy with my life lately and its making me angry. With no outlet for my anger (I've been sick all week and unable to run or play basketball) I'm spewing the anger out in little pieces at those around me. The worst part is they see this clearer than I do: they accept it. I cannot. I've got to calm the fuck down and start taking care of the people I love...

I hate it here.

A month later a little gonzo journalism:
pop the pill, open the door walk in on everyone, say what up, sip a beer till everything kicks in, get real high, know you are better than this, wondering just how the fuck you've managed to remain in the same place so long. the world doesn't really change, skip, hop, skip, move around, but we always come back to where we came from; that's why all the greats had to leave...
downriver offers me nothing at all. The beer taste worse than it used too, the girls bore me, the guys all just want to fight. Where's the comroderie?
another year and I am out.
sorry hunter i just can't keep going. cool reason reminds me its time to go

I am exhausted, no bullshit I just played basketball for two hours straight, we weren't losing, with not a single person within 30 pounds of me. Two of them were UofM defensive linemen...
I play pick-up at elbel field.
I am exhausted, I already said that, but really I haven't felt like this since swimming practice my senior year... not even close...
I am officially one step closer to not being such a fat disgusting pig... Arnold's voice in my head.

Ignorance is free will in motion

I really like that: it implies lack of understanding/knowledge as the reason free will exist when we both know that we can look back and see what led up to, and ultimately, created some 'random' event. where we differ is in the future wherein I see all possibility (choose by us) and you see us just carrying on in a progression... as long as there is ignorance there is free will (and don't forget that there must be some sort of heisenburg uncertainty principle for determinisim too...)

We'll see what you say and then let this dog lie, not like anyone is changing their opinion this late in the game...

Will we walk all night through solitary streets? The trees add shade to shade, lights out in the houses, we'll both be lonely. Will we stroll dreaming ofthe lost America of love past blue automobiles in driveways, home to our silent cottage? - Ginsberg

found this strolling through my old emails, I can't believe I have pages upon pages in the hotmail account, the umich one of course, but hotmail, it just doesn't seem like I've been on there that long...
where will we go america? where are we going now? I miss the idea of apple pie, lakes, fishing, automobiles and endless trees and wanderings... I haven't been camping in four years, I only wander around downriver... the saddest days are always sundays, and the most soothing... sadness isn't about depression, it's about nostalgia and exhaustion. Maybe I am too young to be either, but I sure feel old... just where am I going? sometimes I like to think of my self in that Ginsberg poem, following him, following Whitman through the supermarket on out front under the lights just past sunset. There's Allen, Walt, and my self. We often talk briefly and end with a shoulder shrug as we each must leave in seperate directions, I'm the only one who watchs the other two wander off... knowing we'll meet again and again, endless times in my poetry, each time starting from the same words and going off on a tangent only to return to the same conclusions: the apples are pressed and preserved, the cars can't be fixed in your driveway anymore, and the lakes have become overcrowded with drunken idiots seeking some sort of salvation hidden in the myth of leisure time...

a thousand years or more if not for this, our flesh and blood...

as she slid by I said 'hi'
and turning around,
standing in the doorway,
we talked, chit-chat chatting
about the day...

the air, flowing
through the hall,
passed by
blowing her hair
like a photo shoot.
Showing off her eyes,
her neck, her chest.

I couldn't help but stare,
admiring her wind blown hair.

my eyes fixed on her figure
a smile spread across my face.
Then I noticed her,
noticing me noticing her,
as a smile spread accross her face.



The conversation carried on a little longer, but all I could think of was how amazing she looked that day, in the door, with the wind blowing her hair... 'that's the poetry agnus' - that's the poetry.

you do realize the truth is a lot more loaded than we'd like, right?

There is truth, Fox Moulder wasn't searching in vain, it's just very difficult to ascertain... I'm almost pushing the borders of determinism lately - at least in that the past is determinable, but I'll never believe that we could predict the future, or that we are destined to do anything...

It's funny but I like to call up pop culture sometimes to support my arguements, anyway remember in Jurassic Park when the scientist is pouring a drop of water down the paleintoligist palm? He states that it will run different directions every time, or at least cannot be predicted. However, I think that you can't ever have the same situations, due to time, but maybe that if you understood everything at that moment you could predict where the drop would go... It'd sound a lot smarter if I talked about some atomic isotope or another, but TV works for now...
Can you believe in truth and free will? are the two intertwined? MAybe I am just joining shit that shouldn't ever see eachother... but, to me, lately, I think the two are adjoined (in a cosmic sense).

As a nation
What will they say about us when we are gone?
that we were great men? that we conquered disease? Solved starvation? Equated mathematical figures well beyond our means?
Will they say that we created works of art that stood the test of time? Or that we lived in the moment, and created art for that moment? Just what will the future say about Jessica Simpson?
Maybe they will say that we were lazy, that we spent our hours condemned to a chair and a remote. That we lived selfish sheltered lives, away from friends and family persueing only personal goals.
Will they mention that our children hardly knew us? That our fathers bailed and our mothers failed to stick around as well? That everyone had jobs and nobody had money?
Maybe they'll just say that we were a complex people, some of us striving to help their communities, others living off of their communities.

Me, I think when it's all said and done the historians will point at Rome, and its world dominance turned into games back home, to make their point: to say that success eats itself the moment a country becomes engorged in the fruits and ignorant to the pains.
I think whent it's all said and done we will not shine brightly through the lens of time, but rather be dulled out, ignored, by the madness that made us and the madness unto which we will return.

What do you think? I'm certainly no source...

I miss blogging... its not that I haven't been thinking, just that I haven't had the time to type the million little notes and paper ends that are pileing on my desk. I feel, as always, on the edge of a watershed moment. Philosophically things are coming together instead of the normal push apart: I've got to calm the fuck down: I've got to stop being so loud, so boisterous, and start listening so that I can actually help people. That is what I want to do, to help people, nothing more, nothing less.

anyway, I don't have much time, or the capacity to explain what I really mean, but I'll give you this and we can talk about it later. X=X. That is my next great work. We've got to start seeing things for what they are, not the political banter or emotional chatter, but what is really going on. So I say X = X and I mean that what we see is what things entail, it is everything, and yet still a simple action.

For example. A woman on a feeding tube that is taken off some 15 odd years later is nothing more than a woman who was on a feeding tube and now is not, assumably according to her will (if nothing else to the best of our knowledge her will). It isn't about God, it isn't about respect of life, it sure as fuck isn't about gaining votes in some distant election, all it is is a woman being taken off a feeding tube...

we'll start from there and see where we get.

I hear Ron Mexico is goin places, he sure is one hell of a football player!!!!

really though, that article made my day...

summer is here, its time for basketball and bar-b-ques, but here I sit in this stupid computer lab.

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied...
learn to swim.
learn to swim.

Things are pretty hectic here lately, too much fun, too much work. Tiger's opening day yesterday, followed by class, followed by the ncaa championship... work all day today, followed by cut class due to my brother's extra day in the U.S.A. (he thought his flight left today, it leaves tommorrow)...
now I'm tired and I've so much to do...

so I keep praying for rain...

spring is here again, the plants are starting to grow. I want to walk out into the middle of my back yard and just pass out for two days, lay there quiety recooperating from the last week... since chris returned I've drank more coffee and beer than i had in the previous month. Its been awesome! cards, beers, friends, bars, sports talk, family talk, beers beers beers, some bourbon, cigars, more poker, a few arguments, and not much sleep at all...

we debate in class what the purpose of school is. I haven't ever had a solid oppinion; on the one hand I believe that teaching facts/logic is neccesary and of the upmost importance, on the other I think that it doesn't matter what you know if you can't function in society.

I've been quiet on this debate a long time but now I believe I have a stance that I can take: I believe that schooling should be aimed at boosting childrens self esteem, teaching them self-efficacy, empathy, and perspective, while serving the number one goal of fighting the doubts and inhibitions that come with adolescense. Schools are where we shall provide parenting in the coming decades, and thats ok...

What we often think of as 'problem' children, troublemakers, and all around ruffians are nothing more than young men and women who don't understand their lives. I'll bet dollars to dimes all of their problems are located in the happiness/unhappiness sphere of their lives.

I don't believe in bad children only in sad children. Maybe if we can help them find themselves we will accomplish far more than teaching them a mathmatics table or how to write a five page essay.

sometimes shit just happens and the only thing you can do is clean the shit up and move on

I just wrote the most important post of my life and it magically deleted.

Now that is what I call deflation...

fuck.