Sometimes...
Its winter here again, for some reason the snow is soothing today - maybe because we are about to begin spring and it couldn't feel farther away... why is that soothing? I don't know. Life gets so sped up some times we need a day or two when nothing is possible except sitting in the house and relaxing...
someone who reads here thinks I'll be a terrible teacher. I've been told this before, mostly by people who want to hurt me; they know how much it matters to me and in the anger of a moment they want to attack me where it hurts. It does hurt, not because I am worried about being a good teacher, it hurts because I still bicker with my friends and we still try to hurt each other. I thought we had grown beyond that point.
I'm not much better. I do stay away from attacking peoples' insecurities, but in my avoidance, in my attempt to attack their strengths, I come accross way too hard.
I guess I've been chasing enlightenment my whole life, achieving a little here, a little there, but I won't go any further until I can become confident in my self, and my views, so much so that I can argue purely on philosophical stances... much like Leblanc. I admire his ability to stick to the topic and argue only what is relevant, and when entering new material to the conversation, providing the reason and relevance...
snow is still coming down,
someday I'll be a teacher,
someday I'll be validated by a piece of paper.
Maybe then people will leave me alone.
Maybe then they'll help me instead of hinder,
maybe,
maybe,
maybe.
Probably not.
I'll probably go
through life
seeking to validate
my self
to my self.
Failing,
again and again,
to understand
the essential truth
that validation is
for the dead:
the living need no excuses.
Snows still coming down,
I miss my brother.
He'll be back next week,
then away again.
I've got his dog,
his emails,
his experiences to stack
against staying in this state,
but I'm still sad sometimes
that I can't see him right now,
even if I wanted too.
Snow keeps coming down,
just got off the phone with a classmate.
Neither of us are going to class.
Both of us are going to Opening Day.
Neither of us will see the other there,
because both of us are going seperate ways.
Friendship is so spontaneous at times,
it becomes hard to become closer when you aren't;
it becomes hard to stay the same, when you aren't.
Let the snow fall all day and all night,
let me sleep all day,
let me rest,
just once.
Just once
let me rest,
just for a little while.
Let the snow fall all night and into the morning.
Its winter here again, for some reason the snow is soothing today - maybe because we are about to begin spring and it couldn't feel farther away... why is that soothing? I don't know. Life gets so sped up some times we need a day or two when nothing is possible except sitting in the house and relaxing...
someone who reads here thinks I'll be a terrible teacher. I've been told this before, mostly by people who want to hurt me; they know how much it matters to me and in the anger of a moment they want to attack me where it hurts. It does hurt, not because I am worried about being a good teacher, it hurts because I still bicker with my friends and we still try to hurt each other. I thought we had grown beyond that point.
I'm not much better. I do stay away from attacking peoples' insecurities, but in my avoidance, in my attempt to attack their strengths, I come accross way too hard.
I guess I've been chasing enlightenment my whole life, achieving a little here, a little there, but I won't go any further until I can become confident in my self, and my views, so much so that I can argue purely on philosophical stances... much like Leblanc. I admire his ability to stick to the topic and argue only what is relevant, and when entering new material to the conversation, providing the reason and relevance...
snow is still coming down,
someday I'll be a teacher,
someday I'll be validated by a piece of paper.
Maybe then people will leave me alone.
Maybe then they'll help me instead of hinder,
maybe,
maybe,
maybe.
Probably not.
I'll probably go
through life
seeking to validate
my self
to my self.
Failing,
again and again,
to understand
the essential truth
that validation is
for the dead:
the living need no excuses.
Snows still coming down,
I miss my brother.
He'll be back next week,
then away again.
I've got his dog,
his emails,
his experiences to stack
against staying in this state,
but I'm still sad sometimes
that I can't see him right now,
even if I wanted too.
Snow keeps coming down,
just got off the phone with a classmate.
Neither of us are going to class.
Both of us are going to Opening Day.
Neither of us will see the other there,
because both of us are going seperate ways.
Friendship is so spontaneous at times,
it becomes hard to become closer when you aren't;
it becomes hard to stay the same, when you aren't.
Let the snow fall all day and all night,
let me sleep all day,
let me rest,
just once.
Just once
let me rest,
just for a little while.
Let the snow fall all night and into the morning.
2 Comments:
Leblanc and I were having a discussion in the car on the way to visit you yesterday. It was about how we operate in arguments.. His arguments, he said, are like rivers--they cover every surface and fill every space, yet they flow in one direction. Mine, in contrast, are like trees. I try to hold onto a center (the trunk)--a principle, or some ethical value--and the expressions of that principle in an argument are like the branches of the tree. Those expressions are reaching, grasping...like trees do as their branches reach for the sun.
Like you, I also admire Leblanc's gift for differential analysis--and it certainly does give him an enormous advantage in any debate. A certain degree of detatchment is necessary to achieve such radical objectivity. I am not saying Leblanc is unemotional, but emotions don't always fit nicely into logical structures, and objective paradigms.
Personal values and principles usually are tied in some way to an emotion. We know this because when a personal value or priniple is violated we feel something. What to do about it is a difficult question. That's the realm of ethics--which is where I choose to direct my energy. Looking within to figure out emotional responses--then looking out at objective paradigms, embracing them, applying them back into the self to see if they fit into how you know how you react to things: this is an ardurous task. It *requires* subjectivity, and it requires you to be honest with yourself and to allow your emotions to simply be sometimes. Internal emotional organization is adjunct to this as well.
This sort of flip-flopping between the subjective and the objective is the method I've chosen to use to learn more about ethics. I want to know what is good and what is right--and then have the courage to put what I learn into practice--and influence others with this wisdom. I do this with the realization that will never be perfect and I'll never understand how all of the parts fit to a whole. I have come to the conclusion that it is still worth the effort.
There is a risk to this flip-flopping, however: you risk becoming so hyper-aware that your self-consciousness inhibits you from being yourself. It's like being a director and an actor simulataneously. Sometimes it's nice not always having to think about why you're doing what you're doing. After embarking on this path--I find at times that I can't always shut that off at will...just as I can't will myself to feel any particular thing.
One thing I will say is that trees grow stronger next to rivers. Being around all of you last night was affirming in a way. I know a little bit more now why all of you have remained good friends. I appreciated the experience.
good to have you aboard wayne...
if you get to be a tree and leblanc gets to be a river, I want to be dirt because my reasoning is everywhere.
Sometimes you may just want to 'sweep' it out of the conversation, other times you can plant a good idea in me and I'll make it great by providing a home enriched with nutrients...
plus dirt can make mountains, or be cut into a valley, given enough time...
I'm a moodiy kind of dirt that much is for sure...
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