All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing. ~Maurice Maeterlinck

I wonder if thats true. If plants and ants and animals all are able to walk from birth to death why do we, the superior minds, pause to contemplate the destination? Its oh so obvious and yet, you know me, all I think about.

My infatuation with death has more to do with my infatuation with perameters (the rules of the game) than some concrete fear of nonexistence - I worry I'll never do a million things, once I do I'll be alright; its as if knowing the definitions of life helps me to understand the possibilities which in turn allows me to plan. Its all about planning. I plan more than anyone I've ever known. I just don't talk about it and the plans always altering...
does that even make any sense?

last night I had two distinct dreams. In the first I am at a table. there is a cut of prime rib. I cut it and eat it. The whole time I think I am at work and that I am breaking my lenten promise. I don't care, I just want to eat meat. The dream last forever, every bite, until I woke up. I'll never make it the whole 47 days without meat. I feel so unfulfilled. veggies and carbs, veggies and carbs, hummus, veggies and carbs, over and over. I doubt I'll make it.

The second dream involves vampires. I am one also? We are in a house, maybe its a movie set. I am afraid of being attacked but none of the others seem to care much about me. A huge 15 or so foot tall humanoid chases me. Its too big to follow me and I wake up...
woke up at 5, a little before the alarm, I felt really fucked up: tired and unable to placate neither my empty stomach nor my exhausted mind...

My red is so confident he flashes portraits of war, and visions of euphoria... Hendrix just came on. I feel better already...