I'm listening to 'Man of the hour', just finished watching 'big fish'... yesterday I was riding home late at night. It occured to me that I don't remember what it felt like to miss shannon. I can't even draw upon the emotion anymore...
Now, she isn't important, nor is the emotion really. What is important is that I am old enough to begin forgetting some of my seminal moments. I can't tell you how I felt walking home from bursley the night I knew it was over, I can tell you what happened, or even the emotion I felt. But I can't quite grasp the emotion entailed and feel it again today... not that moment at least...
later on I thought of a million other instances, brad breaking my shot glasses, the wet illinois football game, other moments. Sometimes I could capture the emotion, reflect of the feeling, other times I only knew what happened...
I remember everything. I might try to pretend that I don't, or be unable to deal with what I've seen, but I remember everything, every little detail as to how I percieved it at the time. I always have. And I assume that we do/could if we wanted to.
But what about that which I ignore? OR when I say I forgot? I am lieing, every time I am lieing... I remember...
I'd like to turn this page into more of a memoir, or a place to relate what has happened, when it happened, and a little bit of how I felt. I don't know why, exactly, or just where I am going with this, just that I'd like to talk about me for a little while. not my philosophy, not my take, but my life...
Being as open as I am noone ever ask how I really feel: everyone seems to take me at face value assuming that my motives are out in the open (my hidden motives are often obvious - I know this, it is one of the few things I don't talk about). Of course its all a defense mechanism: if I am bitching about school noone is asking about my girlfriend...
This all has to change... I do fear being honest, about anything. I fear what other people will think, I fear that you won't listen anyway, I fear you may label me insane, or unimportant at least, I fear a lot of things. Some of this is good - keeps me socially honest. Some of it isn't so bad - but I'd still like to cut the crap...
I really do remember everything... everything... and unlike ginsberg who was thrilled at the propostition I feel a weight I must almost call Kerouacian. That is if such a thing exist...
Now, she isn't important, nor is the emotion really. What is important is that I am old enough to begin forgetting some of my seminal moments. I can't tell you how I felt walking home from bursley the night I knew it was over, I can tell you what happened, or even the emotion I felt. But I can't quite grasp the emotion entailed and feel it again today... not that moment at least...
later on I thought of a million other instances, brad breaking my shot glasses, the wet illinois football game, other moments. Sometimes I could capture the emotion, reflect of the feeling, other times I only knew what happened...
I remember everything. I might try to pretend that I don't, or be unable to deal with what I've seen, but I remember everything, every little detail as to how I percieved it at the time. I always have. And I assume that we do/could if we wanted to.
But what about that which I ignore? OR when I say I forgot? I am lieing, every time I am lieing... I remember...
I'd like to turn this page into more of a memoir, or a place to relate what has happened, when it happened, and a little bit of how I felt. I don't know why, exactly, or just where I am going with this, just that I'd like to talk about me for a little while. not my philosophy, not my take, but my life...
Being as open as I am noone ever ask how I really feel: everyone seems to take me at face value assuming that my motives are out in the open (my hidden motives are often obvious - I know this, it is one of the few things I don't talk about). Of course its all a defense mechanism: if I am bitching about school noone is asking about my girlfriend...
This all has to change... I do fear being honest, about anything. I fear what other people will think, I fear that you won't listen anyway, I fear you may label me insane, or unimportant at least, I fear a lot of things. Some of this is good - keeps me socially honest. Some of it isn't so bad - but I'd still like to cut the crap...
I really do remember everything... everything... and unlike ginsberg who was thrilled at the propostition I feel a weight I must almost call Kerouacian. That is if such a thing exist...
3 Comments:
you should not be scared of what other people think about you and what's on your mind. And a good thing about talking about emotions and feelings is that it sometimes helps you to understand what you are feeling. Good luck!
I don't think its fear of of what other people are thinking. I guess I should just say its more of a personal supression than a societal... feelings and emotions are pretty prevelant around my cirlce of friends, so thats not much of a problem...
its more just that you play so many roles sometimes (teacher, student, brother, son, etc.) that you can become confused as to just who you should be at each moment...
I think I am open with people, that is why I am so open, and harsh.
The openness here is just a product of my wanting to WRITE about more personal things...
you came up last night over drinks at the bar (Tim, Lydia, and I) and I mentioned that you've grown a lot over the last two years. I think that is a product of two things, one = Lea, the other is that you don't seem so angry anymore...
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