I invest the majority of my time and thought to the understanding of life. I get frustrated by my unnattainable ideals. It depresses me to think about the hatred and self interest dominating the world.
- my brother's bio from his blog

I love my brothers more than anyone on this planet. more than my mother, more than my father, more than mfriends. Probably because they alone have lived through my ordeals. I say my, I should say 'our' ordeals.

Looking back on my life I have no rock bottom moments, no serious injuries, not even a few grave injustices. I guess I had a couple whore ass girlfriends and maybe a period with too many drugs, but nothing serious: nothing even close to trauma. Even my most profound sadness is drawn from a parents devorce nearly 20 years ago, and even that is more societal than personal.

Self interest drives the hatred, not the other way around. Actually when I look at the 'evils' of our society I boil them down to nothing more than a serious, somewhat psychotic, self interest; we, the people, have reached a point where we can except the things we can't change only to realize that we control nothing more than ourselves. From this point we have come to 'take control of our lives' at all cost... and the divorce papers are filed, luxuries are purchased, and trips are taken while our children suffer a lack of love. The children in turn grow up looking out for themselves, the cycle repeats...

My brothers and I suffer from the same sadness. Its tough to put a finger on unless you yourself are a victim of divorced parents. I don't even know if this is the forum to have the conversation...

Anyway, when you are young your family is your life. When that unit cracks everything else falls. Then when you are a little older, and still determined, you tell yourself that this girl here, she is the one, and you are going to succeed where your parents failed. You don't, and the whole world crumbles again. Then you spend the rest of your life fundamently challenged by an uneasy realization that love does not last. And if god is love, again and again we're told, then what is permanent? And if nothing is permanent is there any point at all? Here the answers vary...

I don't know what I am trying to say, I guess I am just trying to explain that the children of divorced parents will never be happy until they've created there own productive family unit. I believe that is why chris is so happy these days. Bob and myself on the other hand deal with the burden in opposing manners. He constantly chases every possibility seeking to prove the critics wrong while I constantly avoid every opportunity, afraid to fail again...
I've got to change, that was the fear I was talking about earlier - the fear that maybe I am unloveable at some innate level... maybe I am taking it too far, but I do know that what I need now is a little love, a little someone to spend my nights with, and dating these girls of late rather than filing the void are reminding me just how hard it is to establish an open honest relationship befitting of your desires. I can't just up and go out there, I have to wait for what I want.

Right now I see what I want, I just have to figure how to get her...