I embrace yall with napalm...

you know what I love about my girl ? She'll believe in my indiscretions: poker player she's already became. I love it.

I want to be the bonnie and clyde of hold'em

My 145$ hand...

so I am about an hour and a half in at the greektown casino tonight and two spots to the right of the blind. the bet is 15$ to me, I have one forty five in front of me (up 45 so far), I have king ten suited, I call. To the left of me folds, little blind raises to thirty, big matches, others fold to me. I call.
flop comes 10-7-4 and nothing. they check I hesitate, I think, I contemplate going all in, I know I have to bet, but how much? I bet fifty knowing that if they match I must fold, first guy raises fifty, big blind folds... I raise my final fifteen (15) dollars. He sets down A-10.
fuck. I just couldn't save the other 65.
Oh I had my reasons, but I knew the odds were against me. I should have thought of it as 45 up to 35 down but all I could see was my eighty in the middle and the other buck fifty around it.

I won't be playing at home anymore though, thats for sure. The one hundred dollar buy in 1-2 has money written all over it... If, I can learn to show some discipline.

does the rise in national IQ, or at least information consumed, also increase the amount of stupidity? Or rather, as some of us are getting smarter (us elitist) are we judgeing the ignorant a little too harshly?
I've always said the uninterested are the unliving... but maybe they are just being man...

music saves. Isn't that what we used to say? I can't remember the last time I thought of a song as the end all be all... or am I lieing again? Everytime I drive down the road I get into this song or another. Everytime.
The kids in my class, they call it punk. They speak of Minor threat, the buzzcocks, the germs, nirvana, ah nirvana. I remember when kurdt was all that mattered.... don't you?

the kids said I sold out, I tried to explain that I just grew up but I only bolstered their argument... so punk rock I almost got a tear in my eye.

you read it all, you get to the bottom line, and still it doesn't make sense... throwing things makes a lot more sense if you take reason out of the equation... while you're taking reason out you might as well remove probability. what is probability anyway? nothing more than a chance if you ask me... nothing more than a chance if you ask me... punctuation matters... I haven't listened to another person recite poetry in well over a couple years... far to long, far to abstract... I read my poetry to people all the time, they just think I am kidding or don't know what to say... but when i talk, when I lead, its amazing they listen... I am a leader... I'd like to say I never asked to be, but I always have... I'm high on sleeptime medicine. I don't care. I wish I were high on drugs, but really I don't. I am in love... first time in a long time.... its not like any other time. The first time is the best time, because you don't know any better... for some reason you think your love is special, no one has ever felt your feelings.. then you get older, she cheats on you, and you movc on... then love is timely: a little bit of her, a little bit of this, some sweet sex, nothign more... then someone comes out of nowhere and you really are in love, you want to say again, but this isn't again, this isn't anew, this is a whole nother complete emotion in and of itself... this is the love of ages, the love that actually has a chance... I want to buy rings and name children... someday... I want to give it my all. I do give it my all... I'm jealous, sad, insecure, at times... I don't mind in the long run, you've got to overcome to grow... you've got to grow... when was the last time I listened to someone read their poetry? stand in front of the room and tell me what you really think, bear your heart to me... please... I'm happy, steadfast, and secure most times... I just feel so content... contention the word itself can set you free while the chains are shackled on... shackles shackles shackles just who doesn't own me these days? bought and sold daily by the news I choose to read, the albums I listen to, the material I teach, the car I drive DAMN THE COMMERCIAL REVOLUTION! but it will never go away, this is it, this is mass media... I need sleep and a little less flu....
I need sleep and a little more you...
I love you guys even as my head hits pillow...
pen used to hit paper now I tick tack type... kerouac

I'll take the firmest path...
oh, and I must refuse your test
A-push me and I will resist...
this behavior's not unique
I don't want to hear from those who know...
They can buy, but can't put on my clothes...
I don't want to limp for them to walk...
Never would have known of me before...
I don't want to be held in your debt...
And I'll pay it off in blood, let I be wed...
I'm already cut up and half dead...
I'll end up alone like I began...


I should post more lyrics here; often others words are in my head in place of my own.

I say I'm back and I really want to post, but what the fuck do I really have to say? my life sucks, I work 6 days a week (doubles on friday, and tuesday this week), I am failing my only two classes, and and and blah blah blah... I could go on and on crying, but what is the point? my life is where it is. You know what would be different if I quit my banquets job just to focus on teaching and school. Really, total it all up, make a list of pros and cons, and you know what would be different? nothing, absofuckinglutely nothing at all...
I say I'm working towards repaying my debt but all I do is incure new debts.
I say I need the money to survive, but I really don't...
imagine sleeping in on saturdays, watchign michigan with my friends, relaxing saturday night only to sleep in again on sunday. Why the fuck wouldn't I want to do that?
I hate my self for not quitting work. I hate my self for being a slave to the machine and yet here I sit knowing full well where I should be, tired, waiting for my girlfriend to get back from the bar, at least she knows how to enjoy life... I am a depressing old man sometimes. It disgust me. So there I typed, I told the truth, but who didn't know that already?

it can't make much sense to be in love after a mere three months... but then again love has always been nonsensical, that is what we all love/hate about it.




I guess I'll be back posting again, soon... I've been through some good times and some sad times the last month or so; I still work too much, I still sleep too little, and I STILL such at doing homework, I just don't have the dedication. However, I am growing and learning and all that bullshit. And everytime I don't quit everything I guess I succeed at something else: some intangible dedication to success in some form... or whatever...