And another thing: I am sick and tired of feeling like an asshole. Especially in the eyes of my family and friends.
When I play sports, I play to win. Not to tie, not to break even, and sure as fuck not to fight the good fight. I believe in the sanctity of sports. I believe that you always lay it all on the ground. I believe that you praise the other team and foster good will. What I don't believe is that I can't get mad and swear about my situation. I don't believe that I can't get excited and swear about how good, how fucking good, I feel. But I pout and I scream and everyone comes down on me. And I, being so sensitive, look at my self and feel like I crying little baby, and I feel bad... but then I feel bad at everyone else for making me feel bad - I cuss, I scream, I run around throwing shit; that's what I do.
And, of course, that is what makes me an asshole in the first place and confines me to either not behave the way I feel - mask my self some more - or express my self, how I want to, (hell its not even want; it's how I fundamentaly express my self) and feel bad about it later when confronted with societal norms.
If I want to knock chips over or cuss at the ref, or kick the basketball I want you to accept me for who I am... but, you want to know what makes me most sad: when you finally do accept me for the asshole that I am - I become labled as such and my soul is added a new dimension... public oppinion.
It's quite the hole I've dug my self. A new sorrow for a new me, we've all got some battle to fight why can't it be philosophical/spiritual bullshit?
When I play sports, I play to win. Not to tie, not to break even, and sure as fuck not to fight the good fight. I believe in the sanctity of sports. I believe that you always lay it all on the ground. I believe that you praise the other team and foster good will. What I don't believe is that I can't get mad and swear about my situation. I don't believe that I can't get excited and swear about how good, how fucking good, I feel. But I pout and I scream and everyone comes down on me. And I, being so sensitive, look at my self and feel like I crying little baby, and I feel bad... but then I feel bad at everyone else for making me feel bad - I cuss, I scream, I run around throwing shit; that's what I do.
And, of course, that is what makes me an asshole in the first place and confines me to either not behave the way I feel - mask my self some more - or express my self, how I want to, (hell its not even want; it's how I fundamentaly express my self) and feel bad about it later when confronted with societal norms.
If I want to knock chips over or cuss at the ref, or kick the basketball I want you to accept me for who I am... but, you want to know what makes me most sad: when you finally do accept me for the asshole that I am - I become labled as such and my soul is added a new dimension... public oppinion.
It's quite the hole I've dug my self. A new sorrow for a new me, we've all got some battle to fight why can't it be philosophical/spiritual bullshit?
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