I love my girlfriend. This morning, after posting, I went and laid in bed with her to try and sort out what I had to say... we fought a little, argued I guess, but it had nothing to do with anything serious; I think she just wanted to go back to sleep... which is fair.
Anyway, this afternoon as I've been studying I realized that i do believe in at least one thing and that is the value of loyalty and the value of love (I think they are one in the same, hence one thing, not two... anyway). We share these values and the belief in love everlasting, the fairy tale she calls it and in this I do believe there is hope. I do believe we can achieve what I've always thought to be impossible.
Its not even so much that I believe in her, or that I believe in me, being humans as we are, its that I believe in us. I believe that we together can conquer time and ultimately evil... I say time because that motherfucker overtakes everything, but can't love live outside of timing and if so can't our love exist long after we do? I think so. I say evil because my doubts, my lack of self-effication (spelling?), is routed in our own universal fear of success. I think that in being with shannon I confront my own fears of being a quality man: in essence I am given the opportunity to prove my selfdoubt wrong...
I am the weak but I am also the strong... its as universal as everything... and yet so important to remember. Too often I think I am showing out how strong to protect my weaknesses and all too often I am pretending to be weak, afraid to make a move, when I am strong.
There is something to this in that I think that we must make them think we are weak when we are strong and strong when we are weak, but we must also act in a manner so as to capitalize in all situations...

I doubt I will have any nightmares tonight.

a bad dream has a way of working into our daily psychosis... especially when the dream deals not in death or irrational fears but rather in deception, lies, and people close to you. don't we all believe somewhere that everything around us could crack in a couple of moments? Or maybe its just me and I don't have enough faith to totally block out the memory of one bad dream coupled with another...
I've always thought dreams were random images running through our mind that we may somehow distort into an actual, meaningful, psuedoreflection of our lives. Or rather not so much our lives but our mental developement... I also believe in lucid dreaming and our ability to play out dramas in our heads as we sleep...
last night was not lucid dreaming it was just a succession of terrible dreams wherein I had no control and everyone was either out to get me or nothing like i wanted them to be... open holes, time spent away, fear, doubt, lack of faith is what I am talking about really; I don't know if I really do believe in anything concretly, most often I see percentages of truth... and I wish I wasn't so good at guessing sometimes, or so imaginative others.

Ultimately I don't know what faith I have or what I believe in... maybe its nothing? that might be the saddest truth.
jdon

oh yeah, I just spent 400$ on a puppy for my girlfriend, great idea, great... I mean phenominal... 400$ and she won't clean up after it... wonderful... I am the smartest man alive...
jdon

bad beat of the millenium?

I just lost 1411.75 to eastern michigan. I thought my A-K could stand up and I would walk through another year. They laid down Aces in the hole... fourteen fucking hundred dollars. I now have 50 in the bank account and some 360 or so owed to me... plus another 260... I guess it ain't all that bad, but not I've got to collect and I hate collecting... oh yeah, I have 28.25 in my pocket and some change in a piggy bank back home... I owe 800$ in rent alone... looks like a great time to quit my job, oh wait I already did that...

its almost so unbelievable that its funny...
back to the drawing board.
lets hope seattle covers this weekend,
jdon