I'll say it again: "that which you fear the most could meet you half way" - pj

I remember somewhere, maybe a chuck palinuk (sp?) book, I read that in the end its never what you worry about that ultimately gets you but rather the unexpected does us in... all our worrying, all our staring straight ahead, all undone by the blindside.

I try to keep the blinders off, try to see the light, see the darkness. I try to see everything but eventually that itself even becomes one single concern and everything else is lost... I guess the question here is what to focus on, or rather how to focus on. I'll start by saying it doesn't really matter so carry on with caution; everything we do is undone...

I've kept calenders, post it notes, journals, emailed my self important dates... it's all seemed to work out alright so far... and yet I've missed more deadlines staring at empty pages than anyone else I know... and yet I keep moving forward, you see its just as hard to backslide as it is to get ahead: the social glue of conformity being strong as it is... and yet I keep moving forward, adjusting my focus, and in a month I will graduate. It's a mini-fucking-miracle. In actuallity its a major fucking miracle, but the deeper I look the clearer I see one body being pushed forward, forced through doors, on into offices, papers written, schedules made, schedules stumbled through, and degrees added up whether i liked it or not... maybe success will kill me in the end: the steady upward mobility...

of course, again, it doesn't really matter because our foot in the door might as well be another arm in a cubicle and even that will be undone by death, taxes, and time...

only art stands the test of time - and only art eludes...