I am a fat disgusting pig; truly, I will say it again, I am a fat disgusting pig.
I am arrogant.
I am lazy.
I am so many things I disagree with...
and this big belly is where it all starts.

speaking of failure and success...
It amazes me just how little I actually accomplish sometimes. Example: Have you ever had a day at work where you have this one thing to do, and it only takes five minutes to do. Somehow the whole day passes and you just don't do it. What did you do? I don't know, but don't tell me you've never experienced this...
'what would you say you do here'
could you imagine going around work and asking people to defend their salaries? We as a society may work our hardest to pretend to be busy little bees but we might as well lay around in the shade and accomplish the same thing...

Were life to be defined as either success or failure I believe that you would have to call mine a colossal failure. And yet I don't feel that bad....

Maybe I don't know any better? Or maybe I'm just confused, but I just can't help but find my self steadily moving forward amidst a turbulent current. Never quite being sent out to sea, often, and just barely, avoiding crashing into the rocks I've somehow managed to stay afloat through it all. In fact it would be tough to say that I'm all that much worse for wear.

Life, it seems to me now, is nothing more than a matter of mere perseverance in pursuing that which interest me most. School is a passing fancy; work a means to butter my bread, nothing more in either case. So why should I be so sorrowful when I am assessed far from the best at an endeavor I so grudgingly undertake? I don't know if I do. I say I do, but do I really care, for these failures touch me not.

What does touch me then? My friends, my woman, my games of chance. In all of these I excel... why then can I not call a spade a spade and the day be done? Why of course there is life to be lived, and life in these American United States is bureaucracy...

However, here and now I can call a spade a spade and say I'd rather win a world series of poker than graduate a thousand kids. I just want to enjoy my life. My friends, my woman, my family, and my games of chance are my life. Everything else is just fodder.
My music is my life
My conversations are my sustenence...
nothing more nothing less
My teaching will be my life, but this mediocre reflection is not: my classes are my duldrums...

got my time machine, got my electronic dream...
Who songs should only be played by pearl jam.

I know what you are thinking and yes I do often wonder what the fuck I am talking about...

I'll say it again: "that which you fear the most could meet you half way" - pj

I remember somewhere, maybe a chuck palinuk (sp?) book, I read that in the end its never what you worry about that ultimately gets you but rather the unexpected does us in... all our worrying, all our staring straight ahead, all undone by the blindside.

I try to keep the blinders off, try to see the light, see the darkness. I try to see everything but eventually that itself even becomes one single concern and everything else is lost... I guess the question here is what to focus on, or rather how to focus on. I'll start by saying it doesn't really matter so carry on with caution; everything we do is undone...

I've kept calenders, post it notes, journals, emailed my self important dates... it's all seemed to work out alright so far... and yet I've missed more deadlines staring at empty pages than anyone else I know... and yet I keep moving forward, you see its just as hard to backslide as it is to get ahead: the social glue of conformity being strong as it is... and yet I keep moving forward, adjusting my focus, and in a month I will graduate. It's a mini-fucking-miracle. In actuallity its a major fucking miracle, but the deeper I look the clearer I see one body being pushed forward, forced through doors, on into offices, papers written, schedules made, schedules stumbled through, and degrees added up whether i liked it or not... maybe success will kill me in the end: the steady upward mobility...

of course, again, it doesn't really matter because our foot in the door might as well be another arm in a cubicle and even that will be undone by death, taxes, and time...

only art stands the test of time - and only art eludes...

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
Danish Proverb

found that on the internet today... there's really not much you can follow that up with is there.

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up

it's seven am and I'm off... one more road to cross...
I am dreading my third hour... and I hate this shit.

those are my words of wisdom on a friday morning, real impressive eh?

And what you fear the most could meet you halfway...
and what you fear the most, could meet you halfway...

sometimes we just have to man up and blame ourselves. The fortunate part of this assessment is that if we are the problem, then we are the solution. No need to fuck around with everyone else's role...

to save my self I must change my self
to change my self I must arrange my self
to arrange my self I must serve my self
to serve my self I must control my self
to control my self I control my emotions
my emotions, my wants, my desires,
my actions, my outcomes...
to save my self I must control my self

I am going to have to get right on down to the crux, as the hard questions. I am going to have to evaluate, assess, and then order my actions to my true wants.

I want to pass student teaching: I've got a lot to do.