here's an entry to be filed under bad to worse:

my cooperating teacher (the spanish one) and I are nowhere near each other in our expectations... I don't even know what the fuck she wants. I feel like I am just punching a clock and she's expecting me to take over, but I don't know how the fuck to take over. I write lesson plans, she rejects them. No suggestion of alternatives, just rejection... and theoretically we... you know what, fuck it.
Its tough, I'm trying to keep calm, and remain quiet, but I know I'm getting fucked here... but it does me no good to raise hell, cause it ain't like shit is going to change. I don't know what to do.

"One day he’ll get to you,
Teach you how to be a holy cow..."

my bank account reads 25 bucks. I'll probably get a bill on my next check. derrick owes me 60 (he'll never pay). If the seahawks win I'll get a buck 95, but then I owe a hundred so really its like win the game I win 95, lose and I owe 130. I have fifty with the bookie... and that's about it.

I've paid this months bills, barely. I'll owe 300 febuary 1st... thank god my girlfriend is paying my car payments until may... I'll owe at least 400 in credit card bills. I don't know where I'll get this money.
student teaching is living hell.

I've got a wedding to pay for, well really just the bar for me. I'll get 500 from my mother and maybe half of that from my father... I'll probably have to come up with another grand or two. Lord knows where that will come from.

I owe just under five grand on my car, with the aforementioned 500 I'll be around 4500... I probably owe another 10K easy on my credit cards... reminds me I do have world baseball classic tickets to sell... wanted to go, doubt we'll see that day...
I owe my mother somwhere around 15 grand... my grandmother too.
student loans are right around 45K
thats ninety grand right there. Where in the fuck am I going to come up with ninety grand? not even counting a wedding or god help me I get into an accident (still don't have insurance)... And she wants to have a kid next year...

Its all rather sobering and the worst part is at least normally I could knock out some debt working 60 hours a week, but right now that isn't even an option... what is an option?
It's all so sobering...
I don't even have the scratch to make a run at the casino... although there is a grand I could pull on one of the cards, but I'd just lose with everything on the line.

Shit, I'd break the law but that isn't even an option right now... never will be again, with a wife and all...
Its all so sobering

She'll want a house before its all said and done (long before it should be an option)...
I'll have to work 60 hours a week so long that it changes me, or I'll have to quit working 60 hours a week before it changes me: either way I'll fail.

I don't even write anymore.
I don't play cards.
I can't play guitar.
what's a boy supposed to do?

nostalgia and shitty poetry...
remember that one nick?
Sometimes I think its all I ever record... but its a new year an another new opportunity to begin writing again.
here we go:

I haven't written, haven't written since it all went to shit:
on the miscarraige I don't have much to say except that it was probably the saddest thing thats ever happened to me and its shockwaves will be felt on into eternity.
I remember when I was little my mother had a miscarraige. For some reason she showed it to me, I remember thinking it was good for her. Who wanted to have a kid with Don anyway? I wish I'd never been that ignorant.